I was once given a good piece of advice that I’d like to pass on: whenever you’re angered by something, take twenty-four hours to reflect and gather your thoughts on the situation before making any decisions or saying something you might regret. While this doesn’t work for every scenario, as sometimes situations require immediate attention, I was able to put this advice to practice recently and my conclusion is still the same: I’ve got a serious problem with people who don’t say what they mean, and mean what they say. I’ve got a serious problem with people that don’t follow through.
Before you get the idea that this is about to be an angry, therapeutic rant, please note that a lot of the time when I write, I’m speaking mostly to myself. Some of what I’m about to say may seem hypocritical. I get that. I also don’t really care if people feel that way. If you’re telling me you’ve never been hypocritical, yeah right. Back to my point.
A person’s word doesn’t seem to hold much value anymore. This isn’t true with everyone, of course. I have some people in my life that, when they say they are going to do something, they do it. For these people, I’ve tried to bend over backwards to return the favor. Sounds simple enough, but it is so rare that I could count on one hand people I know like that. While I understand that life is complicated and busy, that plans are sometimes altered because of unforeseeable circumstances, when it becomes a pattern of failure to follow-through, those excuses hold little weight with me. The result is a one-sided relationship, wasted time, and bitter feelings.
I made a decision a few years ago to start identifying and stop putting so much effort into one-sided relationships. The gameplan was to make cuts in my life. People that brought me more grief than joy had to go, because I wanted to take back control of my happiness. Instead of wasting energy harboring resentment or anger towards these people, I wanted to simply disassociate from them and search for more reliable connections. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy, especially if you once had a healthy relationship with someone or you care greatly for them.
There aren’t many things in life that disappoint and upset me as someone who doesn’t respect my time. Whether this is personally or professionally, time is a valuable resource. So, when I’ve set aside what little free time I have to hang out with a friend, or help them out, or just have lunch, I feel disrespected when someone isn’t mindful of the value of time. Last week, I was set to have lunch with my pastor, and five minutes before he was to arrive, he called me to tell me he was running late. A small, easily made gesture that meant the world to me and let me know that he respected my time. That kind of courtesy is scarce.
I struggle with how to deal with these people. The short-tempered, selfish side of me wants to erase them from my thoughts, my phone, my life. Cutting them out completely ensures that I don’t have to deal with the disappointment of another letdown or another event they don’t show up to. It’s hard not to be personally offended when someone you consider a friend makes plans with you then cancels or doesn’t bother to show up at all and then hides behind a thinly veiled, weakly apologetic text message the following day, if they even bother to do that much. I don’t need that in my life. I blame part of this decline in personal relationships on the false sense of connection provided by social media and text messaging, and I know I’m a guilty participant in that culture. Yeah, you may have a thousand friends on Facebook, but how many will show up to your birthday dinner or help you pull your truck out of the mud? I’ve always held to the belief that I only need a few good, trustworthy, reliable friends as opposed to a long list of lukewarm acquaintances. Another part of me, however, wants to be understanding and forgiving. Currently, that side is losing this battle by a wide margin.
