I’ve never really had heroes in my life. Sure, there have been people I’ve looked up to, like my parents or a fellow baseball coach or my mentor. Even the larger-than-life sports figures I’ve followed have never had “hero” status. I was going to skip this topic, then I thought about the definition of hero. I’ve pared down the Merriam-Webster’s dictionary definition of hero as:
1. a : a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability
b : a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities
c : one who shows great courage
2. the central figure in an event, period, or movement
3. an object of extreme admiration and devotion : idol
After reading these definitions, it was then that I realized I had been let down by a “hero” for nearly the last decade of my life. That hero was myself. While it may seem preposterous that I could be classified as a hero, I want to take a look at a few aspects of this definition and I think you’ll agree that I had, indeed, made myself a hero in my life.
1a: a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability
I had big dreams coming out of high school. I was ready to take over the world. After all, I’d been told all my life how intelligent I was, how successful I would be, and that to whom much is given, much is expected. While that seems like it would be encouraging to hear on a nearly daily basis, it also put a lot of pressure on an eighteen year old boy. My abilities were in the classroom, and it stood to reason that I would parlay these gifts into a huge income and “successful” life. Dedication to school work was a near obsession through high school, and throughout most of college.
1b: a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities
I received endless awards and many more verbal affirmations that I was headed in the right direction in life. Good grades and extracurricular accolades had me pointed towards a life on Easy Street. These “accomplishments” had me believing that I really was something special, set above and apart by my own works.
1c: one who shows courage
Looking back, I think I should’ve been an actor. I had myself and everyone around me fooled. Notice here that the definition says shows courage. Just because one shows courage doesn’t mean they necessarily possess it, and I had become quite adept at facing obstacles and setbacks with what might appear to be courage. But deep down inside, I was never as truly confident as I appeared. I searched for courage from within. I searched for it in self-help books. I searched for it in the words of famous quotes. By scrapping all of these pieces together, I could feign courage. Those who knew me best, those that I confided in, knew better. The truth is, in my early twenties, life began to scare the hell out of me. But I thought I could face this on my own, that it was natural and I would “get over it”. Relying on my own grit, I could overcome these fears.
2: the central figure in an event, period, or movement
If there was a playlist of my life for the last decade, it might include songs like Tupac’s All Eyez on Me (“The future’s in my eyes, ‘cause all I want is cash and things”…”It seems my main thing was to be major paid”) or Drowning Pool’s Tear Away (“I don’t care about anyone else but me”). Life was all about me, how to make myself happy, how to get the material things that I wanted. New truck? Check. Great salary? Check. Women? Check. I added to my possessions and personal experiences in ways that the world told me would make me happy. In the short term, the world was right, and who, in my mind, brought about all of these great things? I had. I was the common denominator in all of my “happiness”, the hero of my life’s story.
3: an object of extreme admiration and devotion : idol
When people think of idols, they probably think of pagan rituals performed in some far-off land by polytheistic heathens who bow down to statues of gods for everything under, and including, the sun. But our lives are full of idols: jobs, cars, houses, pleasing others, please one’s self…the list is unending. Anything that diverts your heart from God can become an idol if you let it. Scripture tells us in Isaiah 44:9-20 this about idols:
9 All who make idols are nothing,
and the things they treasure are worthless.
Those who would speak up for them are blind;
they are ignorant, to their own shame.
10 Who shapes a god and casts an idol,
which can profit nothing?
11 People who do that will be put to shame;
such craftsmen are only human beings.
Let them all come together and take their stand;
they will be brought down to terror and shame.
12 The blacksmith takes a tool
and works with it in the coals;
he shapes an idol with hammers,
he forges it with the might of his arm.
He gets hungry and loses his strength;
he drinks no water and grows faint.
13 The carpenter measures with a line
and makes an outline with a marker;
he roughs it out with chisels
and marks it with compasses.
He shapes it in human form,
human form in all its glory,
that it may dwell in a shrine.
14 He cut down cedars,
or perhaps took a cypress or oak.
He let it grow among the trees of the forest,
or planted a pine, and the rain made it grow.
15 It is used as fuel for burning;
some of it he takes and warms himself,
he kindles a fire and bakes bread.
But he also fashions a god and worships it;
he makes an idol and bows down to it.
16 Half of the wood he burns in the fire;
over it he prepares his meal,
he roasts his meat and eats his fill.
He also warms himself and says,
“Ah! I am warm; I see the fire.”
17 From the rest he makes a god, his idol;
he bows down to it and worships.
He prays to it and says,
“Save me! You are my god!”
18 They know nothing, they understand nothing;
their eyes are plastered over so they cannot see,
and their minds closed so they cannot understand.
19 No one stops to think,
no one has the knowledge or understanding to say,
“Half of it I used for fuel;
I even baked bread over its coals,
I roasted meat and I ate.
Shall I make a detestable thing from what is left?
Shall I bow down to a block of wood?”
20 Such a person feeds on ashes; a deluded heart misleads him;
he cannot save himself, or say,
“Is not this thing in my right hand a lie?”
My life was so infested with idols (and still is…don’t get me wrong, I haven’t figured this all out yet…not even close…but I’m working on it) that I chased in hopes of peace and happiness. I brought these things into my life, and I was the hero that controlled my future. I thought I controlled every aspect of my life, and I had made myself my own personal god, that I worshipped by seeking worldly success and pleasures.
The fallacy of this lifestyle was revealed when I realized that I was never going to be content. This makes sense. By human nature and by the world’s standards, we are expected to strive for more. But the “more” that I sought was that big promotion or that new vehicle or that gorgeous girl. Eventually, the newness would wear off and the emptiness crept back in. I spent a lot of lonely nights in the company of many. The overwhelming thought I kept having was that there had to be something more, something greater. Unlike heroes of fairy tales and folklore, I realized that I am not only imperfect, I am flawed to my core, have been since birth, and will continue to be until my final days.
But my life has a new hero. One that has justified me. One that has set my sights on a new source of joy. His name is Jesus Christ, and he doesn’t hold the foolish ways of the last decade against me. In him, I have realized that peace is not the absence of stress, angst, grief, or pain; peace is the presence of One who is greater, and with Him, I have found the strength to overcome these feelings. You may have heard that God will not give you anything you can’t handle; this only partially true. God will not give you anything you can’t handle with Him! I came to a breaking point in my life with worry over my future, and thinking there was no way I could handle what lay ahead, and I realized I couldn’t do it on my own. God put enough obstacles in the way of one of the most stubborn and prideful men you will ever meet that made me stop and realize that I needed His help. I couldn’t go through life alone, with only myself as the hero to save the day. I had let myself down, but I know that he’s incapable of failure. And this sense of peace is unlike any I have ever felt.
